The apprentice celebrity come dine with me
Masterchef in the attic (on ice, naturally)
The contestants must jump from a light aircraft wing
Wearing sequins and knocking up some crazy thing
Made entirely of camel’s balls, but with a jus
And a foam of some kind, before landing to
Begin Argentine tangos on ice, on the phone
To Sir Alan, who sits in his big chair alone.
If you win you can dine with him – sit at his feet
He’s got cash in his attic – you need to compete.
Jump the furthest, do pirouettes, make with the jus
Stick your shoulder pads in you and sell, buy – just do
What they make you do – yes – you will look like a tit
But it’s cheap and it’s b****x – reality s**t.